Thursday, April 17, 2008

Tip for the Day

Get yourself a clear conscience, and do as you will.
Update on the Tuberculosis front: I don't have it. I still have to take some medicine for six months to lower the chance that I will ever get TB. I have been going through the county, as I don't have insurance. So far, everything has cost me a total of 25 or 30 bucks. The only drawback is I have to wait in a crowded waiting room for a couple of hours to be seen. As I work swing shift, this is not such an inconvenience.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

One of these days

One of these days, I will have enough confidence to put What4 in my signature file....

"Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance..."

I haven't added to this blog since I added a counter. Perhaps this was poetic justice for caring anyway if anyone read what was on my heart.

Another reason is that what has been on my heart has been all religious. I know how sanctimonious that can sound.

I have been listening to lastfm.com a lot. If you haven't check out LastFM, you really should. It's pretty popular in Europe, and offers alot of free listening, but not so many free downloads. The custom playlists are pretty amazing, though.If you want to visit my lastfm homepage, here it is: Rwinner's LastFM Home Page.

Bought this picture from deviantart for 100 bucks. It looks nice behind my red leatherette sofa I bought from coolsofa.com. The room is shaping up nicely. I still have to buy the blinds and drapes. I did buy an oil lamp on the net from Vermont Lanterns. This is going to look awfully cool at night, don't you think?

It's fun to decorate the room, though. I am taking a California minimalist approach: one or two things on each wall, no clutter, and simple basic colors. Will show you all the stuff when the room is (almost) finished!

Bye!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Today nothing of interest happened. Except, I am still far from being at ease in public. I am really at a loss when it comes to casual conversation. I often get this uncanny sense that others expect more from me than I am willing to give. Back when I was in my 20's and 30's, it seemed a smile and a shrug was enough. Today, that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems that folks sense weakness in me for some reason, and demand their pound of flesh for the simple reason that they can. The temptation for me to become resentful, even boastful, is very great, and this is a trap I often fall into. Another temptation is to belittle people, to pigeonhole and thus dismiss them. This is another thing I am working to overcome.

I am being thrown out of my room for a week while they remodel. I am excited by the new electronics workbench I ordered. And a new sofa will be coming too. I am looking forward to my new digs. Best to you all from L.A.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Quit Smoking

A couple of weeks ago I threw away my pot and paraphernalia, and last week, I threw away my cigs and ashtray. I came to the realization that smoking was a way to make time pass, because I didn't know how to fill it. Well, now I know: time is the gift of God for affording folks the chance to discover God, and talk to Him. It has not been easy to find this out. In fact, it's taken me 47 years. And I had to overcome a lot of pain, disappointment and confusion along the way. I am completely sympathetic with folks who cannot seem to find their way to God, or who lean on crutches like drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. I totally understand where they are coming from. God is like the pause between breaths -- it's easy to miss.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Therese of Lisieux




The Little Flower Web Site

I have made this Saint my friend as of a few weeks ago. I don't count any other Saints among my friends, but I have this one, because I was so moved by her story. Saint Therese, or the Little Flower as she is affectionately called, lived her faith openly, honestly and with complete conviction simply by being honest with herself and her friends, and loving the Lord with every ounce of sweat and blood her poor frame could muster. In fact, her constant devotion may have contributed to her demise at 24 of tuberculosis, a fatal disease at the turn of the century.

A funny thing happened when I befriended this Saint. I had to get a routine TB test as part of an application for a home preschool my landlord is starting on the property. I had not been given this test in recent memory, so I didn't know what to expect. Wouldn't you know it, a couple of weeks after acquainting myself with St. Therese, the results came back positive for exposure to TB! I mean, like she had been whispering in my ear -- which come to think of it, she may have. So now, I am awaiting the Xray results to see if I have the communicable form of the disease.

I don't feel nervous as much as blessed. I feel like God is closer to me now than he's ever been, and that He is slowly, in that deliberate, insistent way of His, preparing me for my own closer walk with Him. My personal time has been filled lately with reading devotional books and the Bible, and prayer. I talk to God, Mary and the Saints often, and when I begin to act silly or forgetful of religion, I apologize and bring myself back to a suitable frame of mind. This is not as arid or boring a life as it may sound. In fact, the world has never seemed sweeter or more beautiful since I started on this life of prayer. I could continue this way forever, and not miss my previously scatterbrain attempts at enjoying life at all.

One day, I must post about how I came to be so religious and all. It's really the story of my life, so cannot be contained in a single blog posting. Probably need, like, TEN! Don't worry, I won't torture you with that. 8 )

Is anyone reading this blog? Anyone? Hello! Is this thing on?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Mark

My current assignment as a guard at a deserted post has provided me a lot of free time, which I have been filling with the written word, specifically the Bible, the beginning of Plato, and some lighter fare. I have been going through Mark's gospel and am developing an appreciation for this enthralling account of Jesus' ministry.

It is the shortest Gospel, comprehending Jesus' earthly career in sixteen chapters. The speeches are short and the action swift. the plot starts with Jesus recruiting his apostles from Galilee. It then follows his ministry of teaching and healing the Jewish populace, and continues with his expansion into non-Jewish territory. Friction with the authorities results in a tension which builds up gradually to his arrest and condemnation. Finally, the story culminates in the abandonment and crucifixion, with a small coda dedicated to his resurrection. It gains force from it's brevity. One is enabled to see the whole storyline at a glance, even for a borderline A.D.D. like myself.

The more I study and pray, the more I marvel at the fleeting nature of what is called faith. The ability of it to overcome reasonable doubt, even for a confirmed *scientist* like myself is remarkable. I have developed a new empathy for doubters and atheists. I must admit, the gospel seems to me quite unreasonable, like a fairytale. That said, when praying in a state of grace, my predicament (doubt) can be subsumed into the larger story of Christ's passion. The end result is that even my doubt is given a dignity and a significance. The key to my not being swept away by doubt, and giving grace a chance to flower is to unassign *reason* as the arbiter of *truth*, and to substitute in love. Eventually reason catches up, and can understand that love and not understanding is the great guide to one's thoughts and the surest means to happiness. Happiness, and not understanding, reveals itself in a flash of insight as ultimate arbiter of truth.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

I looked for Christ

First thing this morning I looked for Christ in the first person I saw, the 7-11 clerk. It was easy to imagine him as Jesus. He was of middle eastern origin: dark complexion, thick beard, hooked nose. But it was his eyes I looked at the most. They spoke of intelligence and moral depth. I felt the presence of Jesus in him to a certain degree. I felt my first try at this lenten exercise was a success to a degree.

Then I saw Bob when I got to work. I tried to see Jesus in him. I thought I saw a degree of suffering in his eyes, and thought I might have seen Jesus suffering. I was glad I saw this, as it made me more sympathetic toward him.

I tried this exercise on certain women strangers I saw in the course of my day, and I saw Jesus to a certain extent in the long-suffering expression in some of these women. I was glad I saw this, as I was worried that since they were women I wouldn't see it.

I noticed that people I look at in this way seem to regard me more warmly than when I look at them in my regular way. Perhaps there is some sympathetic expression in my face they pick up. I look forward to continuing this exercise tomorrow.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Shhh. Don't run away. This is really, really fun. I promise.

Here's my picture:



Shhhh! I told you -- very quiet, will you?

Here's another. And, shh...



OK, that's enough. OK, now here's the thing. I am completely without friends. Can you imagine? Not a soul. Except for Jesus and the Saints, that is. Well, you need SOMEONE to talk to, don't you? I guess it's from growing up as a sensitive nature in a household with a lot of corporal punishment. Or maybe it was the agony of acne that started in high school and didn't really subside until a few years ago, leaving it's own legacy.

Now part of it is chronic fatigue that comes with having two lousy, low paying jobs. Or maybe that is just another symptom. Hell, I don't know! If I knew, I wouldn't have this kind of a blog, now, would I? And I wouldn't be the perennial outsider and rebel that I turned out to be.

OK, now here's the scoop: I am too lazy to even make an effort at being interesting or attractive. I kind of figure I don't care. I kind of figure, it's not MY business to be interesting or good looking -- for Pete's sake that's YOUR job. If you want to find me interesting or attractive, I'm not going to stop you -- knock yourself out. Tell me when you're done.

Now, this is the thing. I've ALWAYS had this view. Ever since I could remember, I have always been amused when someone liked me. That's not to say, I never encouraged it. I have been as manipulative a flirt as the next person. But I never acutally believed I had any good qualities. It was just a game, to see what I could do -- like Romantic Monopoly. Sometimes you'd end up with Hotels on Park Place, and sometimes a green bungalo on Baltic.